#fail

well.  i got the final phd rejection email this morning.

technically, there is hope, i guess... i've been accepted to one master's program, and waitlisted for one phd program.  but i can't afford another master's, and i consider the waitlisting incredibly tenuous and effectively another shut door.

well, it is lent.  time to learn how to die, i guess.

part of my... despair?  that might be too strong.  part of my intense disappointment and also bewilderment is that for most of my life, i didn't have much of a direction.  my parents always said, "when you go away to college..." and i went to college full of ideals about higher education and got myself a real, traditional education.  i walked out reading french, latin, and greek, with a head full of over 2000 years of literature, art, and philosophy.

but i had no network, no connections, and honestly no real professional ambitions.  i knew i hated secretarial and administrative work.

eventually i did go work for my church, and i felt a call to teaching, so i went back to get more education.  i graduated from seminary last spring.  but in the meantime, we had moved, and my church had collapsed and i had been deeply, deeply hurt in the process.  once again i had no network, no connections, and still not much professional ambition.

but i did feel i had ideas, and i had spent 3 of the 4 years in seminary teaching both in the church and in a classroom, so i spent the summer and fall researching and applying for phd programs.  it was always a possibility after my first degree, but i had been immature and unprepared (and, quite frankly, not realizing that i was dealing with the onset of clinical depression) at the time and my grades kind of sucked.

the sucking grades might be part of what crippled me this time around, although i also got some unintentional feedback that implied my statement of purpose essay was mis-focused.  my seminary grades were much better and i had hoped they might balance out, especially being so much more recent.

i thought i had a direction the last several months.  obviously, i was wrong.

i'd like to have a direction.  i've spent most of my adult life just walking through the first door that opened because i thought i needed "something to do," "a job," whatever, without really thinking about the future or a direction or anything like that.  the hard part now is going to be not doing that again, not grasping at the first straw that looks like it will pay the bills.

i just wish i did know what to do.

obstacles.

i need a job.

the problem is, i have no job-searching skills.  the only jobs i've ever gotten have been because i knew people, or it was an artificial environment like my internships.

in fact, the last time i was in this position (newly graduated, looking for employment), my dad got me a job at the company he worked for.

it's not (or at least, i tell myself it's not) that i'm unemployable with no skills.  i have a lot of skills.  i have a ton of things i can do, and i've had a pretty eclectic employment history. i just don't know how to explain that to people.

also, i am sick to death of office assistant jobs.  i don't have the personality to answer phones or sit at a front desk, and i get bored to tears doing data entry.

when i started seminary, i had the confidence that this was my next step, and that God was going to work things out somehow in the end.  but here i am, at the end, with no job, no phd acceptance, in a new city with no network, sending out resume after resume with no response.

now i don't know what to do.

an easter prayer.

i wrote this last year for everyone who was part of the easter service. it's a mix of my own thoughts and some others' that i found said it better than i could, including the bible, Gregory of Nazianzus, historic liturgical prayers, and a prayer written specifically for those "working" on easter.

Today is the feast of feasts. Today Christ is risen from the dead.

God, who is our father and gives life by the death of your son and the power of your spirit, we praise you for the miracle of Easter. We praise you for the resurrection from the dead.

We pray for the gift of hospitality today as many join us to worship you. May we welcome them with open arms.

We pray for joy and strength for ourselves and for everyone who comes to celebrate with us today. Your resurrection heals and gives hope to everyone.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good
His love endures forever.
We will not die but live
and proclaim what the LORD has done.

We pray that those who are hurting, who are sad, who have suffered loss will find joy and hope and healing as the Good News is proclaimed.

In the name of Jesus,
amen.